Bad luck lakris

I took a break from studying for midterms today to go to Tiger, Denmark's shabby chic 10-kroner store. After stocking up on a few toiletries for my study tour, I grabbed a bag of large cola bottle-shaped sucking candies on impulse at the register. I popped one in my mouth as I walked back to the the bus stop in Radhusplasen, the city center. Cola? Nej nej. The whole thing was coated in black licorice powder.

Danes are serious about their licorice. This was the real too coarse to bite, salt-coated, nostril-burning flavor that Scandinavian candy is apparently known for. By the time I realized how badly I wanted to spit the thing out, I was already on the bus, a place which has strange and strict rules of decorum, especially concerning food. Spitting it out in front of a car full of middle-aged Danes didn't seem to be an option. After a few stops, I had sucked all of the powder off of the candy. The optimist in me insisted that maybe it was constructed like a Warhead—coated in a tortorous outer layer with a rewardingly sweet inside.

Wrong. Inside, the licorice flavor only got stronger. So I bit the whole candy in half, desperately hoping to finish it. The candy, which was still the size of my whole palate, began to fizz wildly with an unexplainably strong salt flavor. The Danish guy I'd smiled at across the bus looked mildly appalled when he noticed my face now contorting in nausea. I was even beginning to consider following the example of my neighbor, who one weekend puked into the "free newspaper" tote bag that hangs behind the driver. I decided to just get it over with. I swallowed the whole candy. The taste lingered on my tongue, throat, and nose until my stop. I have never been so excited to brush my teeth. Which begs the question, why the hell do Danish supermarkets sell licorice-flavored toothpaste?

Now I'm stuck with a bag of giant cola-shaped pieces of poison in my kitchenette. I've offered one to every person who has come to my room tonight. And this is how we know we've become expert in Danish culture: No one has said yes.